Trouble in Paradise

The Good the Bad and the Ugly

I guess it started about April 2015. We had just had our once in a life time trip to Hawaii.

There is another symptom of Parkinson's that does not get enough attention, and that is Depression.
If you look up the symptoms of depression and the symptoms of PD, they are pretty similar.
I mean really alike. The debate is, are you depressed because you have an incurable disease, or does the incurable disease cause the depression.

Either way, you don't really feel it coming on. You talk about what to watch for in Support Group. But you are Superman. You know what is happening to your mind, and body.
But it comes.
The general feeling of sadness. You wonder why?  This (whatever) should be a blast, why am I not excited?
The feeling of being overwhelmed.
In May I told the Chapter I was stepping down. They could see it I think. You say "I can hide it", but you really don't.
Other people could see it , but did not say anything.
And it doesn't stay, it goes away...you feel almost normal.  For a time.
You start finding reasons not to do things.
You start to find ways so you can hide for an extended length of time. For me that was golf .
I got out every chance I could. I mean I golfed a lot. Cheryl told me later, she did not say anything at the time because she felt I may only be able to golf for a short time so I should be able to enjoy it while I can. And I took advantage.
Cheryl would ask me how I was, and I would say "Good, but a little sad today"
I was the rock, I could handle a little sadness


WHAT I DID WAS WRONG.
If any of the above might refer to you talk to someone, anyone, your wife, your family, your doctor. Anyone, tell them what you are feeling. You are not alone. People love you, it never is that bad. Hell, talk to me. Get help . If it is really bad go to the hospital. Anything, but get help.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.


Work was starting to get very busy. I was driving a lot to Fredericton. The drives, all you do is think.
I am not sure when the exact date of the appointment was, but, I guess you don't know what you don't know.
I told my doctor I wanted the tremors gone. Give me whatever you need to, to make them go away.
So, on my instructions, my meds were changed to:
1 only of the 100/25  Levodopa/Carbodopa
and .75 units of Pramipexole or AKA Meripex
4 times a day 

So if you go to the web site for Pramipexole you get under the side effects section.....

"You may have increased sexual urges, unusual urges to gamble, or other intense urges while taking this medication. Talk with your doctor if you believe you have any intense or unusual urges while taking Pramipexole."

What is Pramipexole?  It is what is referred to as a Dopamine Antagonist.
Meaning, it stimulates the cells that accept the dopamine, to take in  more dopamine.
Works real good, no more tremor .

The first sign things were starting to go down hill was just after the Superwalk in September.  I told Cheryl I was going with the guys golfing, on a Sunday.....again.
Has anyone actually seen a Conniption Fit??  I did that day!  And she was right, very right.
I am not saying that to be funny, I had golfed a whole lot.

About October other changes were happening in the relationship.
I started to ask for more sex. We were for most of our marriage, a twice a week couple. Sometimes more if on holiday. Pretty much Friday and Saturday, never during the week. Me?  I could always have more. And if I asked and was told no, I was disappointed, but not angry.
Okay, I am a man, I pouted.

Well now I was asking during the week, and if the answer was no, then I started asking myself  "what was wrong with me?" She doesn't find me attractive."  I was relentless.  If you are saying no then you must not love me. And when we did have sex, I think Cheryl felt more pressured than pleasured.

And there's more.
You know those thoughts you get in your head sometimes, even to your spouse? The ones you think but never say?
Well I said them.
Welcome Impulse Control Disorder to the party.

I started watching and reading a lot of porn.
Christmas was the turning point.
Everything blew up.
I was a full blown Addict, I was gone.  Things got said.
Cheryl, I am so sorry for ruining Christmas.


See, all along I thought I was in control. I knew about the side effects, and I could defeat them when they came.   BBAGH!!!! wrong answer.

So in January I made the call.  Well doc, you were right, I did not see it coming.
So we started to shift the meds .
Eventually in February I went to ...

3 only Levadopa, 4 times a day
.25 Pramipexole, 3 times a day
Which, by the way I am still on. 
Within a few days of taking this configuration...snap!
I just felt different. The urges were gone, and the tremor had returned, but not as bad as before.
Good trade off!!
I went to therapy for the depression. While it still comes back, I now know how to deal with it better.

We are back to our normal 2 times a week.
Sorry boys it happens deal with it.

One of the big reasons I put this out there is pretty much every Parkie has heard about the side effects of Meripex. It is not just sex, it's gambling, shopping, other OCD behaviors. We know a woman who gets up in the middle of the night because she just has to paint right now!!! It can't wait until morning.

But there is no dialog.
I was talking to another Parkie and the subject about Meripex and the side effects came up.
I mentioned I had the Hyper-sexuality and got the " oh you had that" look, change of subject.
Even on the on-line forums it is referred to by innuendo and side referrals.

Like depression, we have to learn to talk about things that can make us uncomfortable. Especially to the ones we love.

So turn to your partner and say "I love you, and how are you feeling today?"     


 And remember "IT'S ONLY INCONVENIENT"