Confidence

I have always played sports.
Not saying I have ever been great at them mind you.
I played hockey as a kid, weak wrists, no shot.
I played baseball for 20 years. So so arm, couldn't hit worth shit.
Now I mostly golf and I bowl, Candle pin.
I was the guy who every once in a while would make the great play.
But it was years between great plays.
I could, if I practiced a lot, play okay.
But most of all I really loved just playing. Just being part of a group of guys, playing at being kids for a couple of hours.

I have always bowled.  As a kid growing up on air force bases it was 5 pin. Every air base had 5 pin lanes.
Then we moved to Saint John and it was 10 pin. I believe the game is called Candle pin.
In Candle pin, unlike Big Ball ten pin (as the maritimers call it)  you get to use the dead wood.
In Candle pin, an average score between 105 to 120 is considered good.
I've bowled in a mixed league every Sunday night at 6 pm, starting in September and ending in May,
pretty much since 1979.  I have always been a 105-110 average bowler. So not too bad.

About 7-8 years ago things changed.  My average was going down.  And not slowly.  In the past I would stand on the lane, find my target, and let the muscle memory take over.
Most times I would hit my target, or come very close.  All of a sudden I was nowhere near it!
It seemed to me that nothing had changed. But the ball would not be anywhere close to my target.
Friends were sympathetic, "just a rough patch" they'd say.
And my average continued to go down.
Make no mistake, while I enjoy just playing, I am also very competitive.
Of course the harder I tried the worse I got.
This went on for 2 years!  By the end my average was down to 83.
I'm either stubborn, or stupid. I did not quit. I could not go out this way.

Then in February 2013 I was diagnosed with Parkinson's. I was started on the meds. 
I finished out the year.
My average at the end of the year was 85.
So next September I am back at it. By this time I have been on the meds for a longer period.
Things started to look up I ended the year with a 95 average.

Every Parkie has had an extended period of time where nothing changes.
The meds are working. Even the side effects are tame. I was lucky it lasted almost 2 years .
Not saying I did not have bad days. I did, but as I recall overall  it wasn't that bad.
So the next year, well I won the most improved bowler award.  I had brought my average up to 102.
And that was where it stayed for the next 2 years.

2018
About the same time as my Parkinson's was changing, and we were playing around with the meds,
my bowling stated to go south again.
I was crushed! The last time this happened I was saved by the meds. I can't take any more meds.
I did manage to keep my average at 95.
This year is worse.  As of  today, 2 months into the season, my average is 83. I have had more games in the 70's then in the 90's and only 1 game over 100.
And that was last Sunday. The last game of the night.
About half way thru that game something changed. Not sure what caused it. Well actually, thinking back on it, I know what changed. I changed.
Instead of thinking "try not to look like a fool"  I was thinking  "I need a mark, no problem".
And you know what.....I got one. Bet you didn't see that coming.

I remembered what it felt like to be confident. That quiet, inside voice that says "you've got this".
Even if you miss, you still believe in yourself. Others may say they have confidence in you, but until you say it to yourself, their words are just that... words. You know a "smile and nod moment".
Well at least Parkie's know we're smiling.

I know this is a long story. We are getting to the point.

Of all the "NON-MOTOR" symptoms of Parkinson's, the one that is not listed, but what can be one of the most crushing, is losing your confidence. It happens slowly.... event by event. Parkinson's eats away at your confidence.
You have to rely on someone else more and more.
Cheryl won't let me drive to St. Stephen alone any more. And you know she's right to.  I will fall a sleep.
You need pills to go to sleep. You need pills to walk. You need pills to .... Well you know, everything.
You find yourself second guessing yourself.  It's bad enough everyone else is.  And again there is a reason they do. Lets face it. Parkie's can make some bad decisions.
I believe it's the Executive Function thingy.
And worst of all it happens and you don't realize it is happening. I have found myself in situations where I should have stood up for myself. Only to remain quiet. You let others make decisions for you. Because it is easy.

So now that you know, what do you do about it?
I believe you have to find your inner voice. He or she is still there. They are just buried by the depression, the apathy, the self pity.

I know I have carried myself differently since last Sunday night.
I feel different.
You may need a walker to get around, you might have fallen a few times. You could be in pain most of the time.
Take ownership of who you are.
What people see are not your liabilities, but the testament to your courage. Your desire to not give up, to not give in.

Remember  "IT'S ONLY FUCKING INCONVENIENT"