THe Lost Blog : The Sadness

The Lost Blog
The Sadness.

Like I said I had no intention to publish this blog
But recent posting on the Parkinson Chat group and some high profile deaths.
Made me think.
If I could, by putting this out there convince one person to continue to fight .
I know when you are in the middle of it, it can seem like there is no door out. No light.
But there is.

YOU JUST HAVE TO LET THE LIGHT IN.
Only a crack is needed



I had originally wrote this blog back in May
I had no intention to publish it.
It was intended to be just a journal entry.


It can come on at any time.

Tuesday, May 15, 7:30 pm
We had one of the best days in business we ever had.
I had just confirmed, one order for 7 copiers, and I had sold another to a different client.
The Parkinson's dinner was moving along . We have sold out .
I have received most of the money .
I had a golf date on Friday.
Life seem pretty good. I should be happy .Ya think!!!

So it's around 8:30 pm (I took my last pills of the day at 6 pm)
I am sitting on the couch watching something can't even remember what.

And the Sadness comes
It starts with tears. I am not crying, but my eyes start to water.
I know whats coming.
There is something different. A feeling. Not a physical feeling. But one inside me.
Then my skin starts to tingle (no other word to describe it ). This happens sometimes when the meds are not kicking in as well as they should be.
You know the feeling you get when your foot or hand goes to sleep, or the your skin feels when you have the flu.
Well for me that tingle is over every inch of my body.
Then all the thoughts you have been pushing back, ignoring, hiding  come. You really try to think of something positive, but you know they are coming.

"Fuck I am tired of this, tired of the drugs." Having to live your like on a schedule. Every 4 hours.
And if you miss a dose ,then the rest of the day is lost. And not only is the day lost,  but you are to.
Having to take a pill to get 5 hours of sleep.
Taking a pill to make your dick work.

I get up to go to the kitchen , I am so stiff...
I am back in my chair, mindlessly watching TV.  
Slowly the stiffness goes away. But now my feet are doing their little dance of  joy.
I look down at my feet and think " this is my new reality".

Michael J. Fox is getting closer. He's knocking on my door.  

I look over at Cheryl sitting there beside me, she is lost in Facebook.
God.....I love her. I would hate to think where I would be, if not for her. 
She has not a clue of the war next to her. I should tell her , but why have two people miserable.

I am getting more tired by the minute, but now it is also  mentally
Then it hits
You know, the line .Why me.... I don't deserve this....
The one our parents used to yell at us about .
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself , and go outside"

Now the Sadness if full on .
Today this is a moderate sadness . I have had worse.
I rank them on a scale of 1 to 10
Where, 1 is "I am tired" to a 10,  is "fuck I woke up"

I must say, not once have I thought about doing something stupid.
Even the one time I was at a 10. 
For I know this will go away. sometimes it only lasts a day, or an evening.
Sometimes a couple of days. The worse was two weeks. But you are never sure for how long
This is only Inconvenient .

This somewhere in the lower middle a three or  a five.

I just want to go to bed, but it's only 8:30

Cheryl asks me what do you want to watch next.
"I don't know" I reply 
I just start another PVR show.

If Cheryl does know what is going on in me right now. She does not say so.
One of the things I could really use right now is a simple hug, and a "I love you".
I know that's not coming unless I ask for it, she doesn't know, and if I asked then she would know.
As well if you ask for it, it loses it's effectiveness.
I should tell her. But I don't. Why. I guess I am still hoping for that hug.
I really should tell her. 

Over the last two years. I have noticed a pattern.
I have the same thoughts every time.

I want to escape, Spend sometime doing anything else.
Something I can get lost in. I pick up the tablet. start a game play a few hands ,put it down.
The TV show is predictable.
No... what I need is SEX.. Aggressive , Passionate, no inhibitions. SEX. All day long type of sex .
One of the other things I notice about, when I am feeling sad. Is I always think of sex.
First I fantasize about the things I would like to do. Nothing to kinky,
And the only one I fantasize about is Cheryl.
I really do love her a lot.
Or maybe golf.
I really should talk to a therapist

As much as I try to think of something else. My thoughts keep coming back to sex.

Must be the remnants of the Meripex side effects. The doctor told me they would never truly go away. 

My everyday, once or twice a week sex life with Cheryl is good. And I am happy (when not sad)
But when I am sad, I tend to focus on sex more.

It becomes my focus. I try not to let it. But it does.
Prior to the PD. I thought  I was a normal guy. I would masturbate once a week
But after the incident with the Meripex and the OCD and Hyper-sexuality . And Cheryl's belief I am still addicted to porn.
I fell guilty about it, and I don't do it as often. It doesn't feel the same. 

It's 10:30 pm
By the way my skin is still tingling

I wonder. The self doubt creeps in.  Do I still turn her on. did I ever turn her on.
It's not fair, I should not be thinking this way. But I can't help it.
I really should not be thinking this way, I know she loves me.I know she is still in love with me.
She definitely deserves better than this.
After all it is not her fault I have PD

Why is it when we are angry at something we can not control, or yell at, or stop. We deflect that anger on to the person closest to us.

Finally I go to bed. I hope, I will wake up and I hope everything will be back to normal.

I wake up. It's 4 am .
I have also noticed that my sleep is disturbed during theses times.
Well it is still with me. I go play on the tablet until it is time to go to the gym.  I
Physically I feel fine, the tingling has gone. I have a good work out.
The work out helps loosen things physically..... BUT 
I still don't feel right .
I go to work . Go to my appointments. Call and talk to my clients and possible clients.
Again I should be happy.  I have a job. Most of my clients know about the PD. I can come, and go as I please.
The next night the same thing. No sleep. which makes matters worse.

Thinking back on the week that was. It just sort  of happened.
No one is aware of the Sadness. Except for maybe Jean.
We had a dinner meeting. Jean stayed after the rest had gone. We talked , I made a comment and smiled. She said it was nice to see you smile. I think she can tell. I thought I was hiding it.

I have been trying to recall events , but it is just a blur. 
The sadness stayed with me for the rest of the week. even when I went golfing, it was there.
Friday night we both are tired. I think about asking if I should take the pill. Then decided against it.
We go to sleep.

Saturday we go to the Kingston Market. I don't feel that bad. But still don't feel good.
Saturday night. We went out to Cheryl's sister's place. Got home around 11:30.
I know Cheryl assumes we are having sex. I take a sleeping pill. Meaning I don't want to have sex.
Cheryl looks at me funny. We go to sleep, nothing is said.

Sunday: I am up at 6 am.
Okay somethings different.
I go to dad's, and put a coat of primer on the bedroom walls.
Then it hits me. I feel different.
I do not know how to explain it. Not the cliched "a cloud has be lifted" .
Just different.brighter, lighter.

We have sex that night, and Monday night.
I really enjoy it. I get into the event.

I feel about as normal as a Parkie can
Once again it has passed.
It will come again. I do not know if there is a trigger.
Or it just builds up over time, and then erupts.
 
It is now Tuesday. I stated this blog on Friday morning.
I don't know if I will ever post this.
I just wanted to put it down on paper. Sort of therapy.
I guess I hoped that by putting in paper I would get better.
I don't know if this will see the light day.
But I do know it will happen again.


Epilogue :  The date is June 7, 2018
Last week I had started to get that feeling again. Like I said I do not know the trigger.
It started in the afternoon. I am home for the evening. Being a night time coach potato.
My eyes are starting water." Fuck "  Not this time . All the same old thoughts are trying to creep in.
I decide on a different tactic. I stand up, I reach for Cheryl. I give her a hug. I tell her what is happening.

I still wake up earlier than the alarm. The feeling is still there , but not as strong.
By noon, I pause and do an inventory. The feeling is gone.
I would love to be able to say there was something I did.
But no. I know it was the fact that I did not try to go it alone.
It was the look of "I wish there was something I could do for you" I saw in Cheryl's face.
That look of "I love you".

I am not in this alone , and as much as I think I am protecting the ones I love. I am not.
We all need someone to talk to.
Everyone needs a helping hand ,once in a while. Even if it's only to hold the Kleenex.

Remember  IT'S ONLY INCONVENIENT

June 21, 2018



 August 19, 2018



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